Writing has been some-kind of relief for me, so not writing for a long time means my grudge has risen up. To say more it has been a tranquilizer for me in this world where one finds other difficulty in understanding. Pains and difficulties are always there to give a bigger lesson in life; that’s the situation I’m now in. I’m sometimes scared, but without getting scared, tiredness, sleepless nights and restless days there’s no way defining difficulty and without difficulty we can never define struggle. Honest acceptance can bring equanimity, calmness, compassion in anybody, but honest acceptance cannot be accomplished without clear understanding and clear understanding without clear consciousness of what we are facing or doing. Other thing that I understood my experience is that if anybody don’t understand something keep on observing or start playing with it for a long time, your sense will automatically will start grabbing it and this understanding has been more powerful than any other mode of understanding that I’ve experienced up-to now coz it can become no different to human instinct and I hope you can understand what instinct is?

I went to London yesterday for my computing test. It was good but not as good as in reality. It was somewhat horrible feeling in those crowdie streets of London. London in my view though not an observation seems to be more aristocratic in look. Looking around I felt more a kind of abandoned feeling within me, but confined this feeling within me coz there was no one to share and I hardly find anybody understand back home too. I don’t know why from where did I get this awkward feeling in those commotion where everything is so bright, colorful, mass of people striding, buses and taxis crowded with excited look in there eye; Indian, Chinese, African, English, Polish, Muslim… couldn’t be put away from curious and nervous eye. Still the feeling of being abandoned and getting lost in those crowded London couldn’t get away from my feeling, I don’t why! Might be prejudice, but might not be I’ve come to this place from faraway and different land (please keep away the word globalization I think it’s virtual and virtual is not reality), but in terms of culture and geographical distance. I felt little scary within me though there was no one to harm me or lurking to kill me. Identity in such a place disappears without being noticed but people still trys to keep there identity alive in vain. Maybe loss of identity have created insecurity within me, maybe this is a new experience loss of identity is loss of security so now I understand individualism disappears in mass, which Nietzsche had explained and now I experienced it’s real meaning. Sometimes it really takes a long time to understand something intrinsically or I may not understand something through out my life coz I may not have a chance to experience it through out my life. So experience is understanding.